Overcoming Fears of Intimacy

Sam, age 42, had never been married. It’s not that Sam had never fallen in love. But every time a relationship had started to move toward commitment, Sam ran.

When Sam’s loneliness became overwhelming to him, he called me for help.

“I want to be in a relationship, yet every time I get close to someone, I run away. I’m not even sure what I’m so afraid of, but I must be terrified of something!”

“Sam, what happens inside you when you like someone?” The following answer and resulting dialogue came out over time, but I’ve condensed it here.

“I think that if this person really knew me, she wouldn’t like me. I do all kinds of nice things for her so she will like me. Then after a while I start to feel trapped and I pull back. She gets upset about my pulling back and I then feel even more trapped. Once she gets mad at me, I stop feeling in love with her. That’s when I decide she is not the right one for me. This has happened over and over.”

“So the first problem is that you believe that she won’t like you when she gets to know you. Out of your fear of rejection, you try to control how she feels about you by doing nice things for her. But then you feel trapped and your fear of engulfment – of being controlled by her and losing yourself in the relationship – kicks in. Then you run. It sounds like your underlying fears of rejection and engulfment are controlling your life and not letting you share love.”

“That’s exactly right! So what do I do about this?”

Sam was operating from core shame – the false belief that there was something basically wrong with him. As long as he believed that he was inherently flawed and unlovable, he would fear rejection. Out of his fear of rejection, he would give himself up until he felt trapped, and then he would run.

The part of Sam that believed that he wasn’t good enough is his wounded self. The basis of the wounded self in all of us is our core shame false belief – the belief that we are inherently flawed. Our wounded self does not know that we are a perfect child of God, an individual expression of the Divine. Because the wounded self operates out of false beliefs rather than from the truth of who we really are, it wants to control how people feel about us. Sam needed to develop a loving Adult part of himself – a part of himself connected to a spiritual Source of love and truth – in order to heal his core shame.

The Six Step Inner Bonding process is a profound process for developing the loving Adult and for healing the fears and limiting beliefs of the wounded self. As Sam started to practice Inner Bonding, he slowly developed an Adult self who loved and valued his core Self, his true essence. As he developed this inner sense of personal power, he lost his fear of rejection. He saw that if a woman rejected him, it was because of her fears rather than because of his inadequacy or unlovability. Because he stopped taking rejection personally, he stopped fearing it.

Once he stopped fearing rejection, he stopped giving himself up in his attempt to control how a woman felt about him. Once he stopped giving himself up, he stopped feel trapped and engulfed in a relationship.

Over time, by consistently practicing the Six Steps of Inner Bonding, Sam developed a powerful inner loving Adult self and healed his fears of rejection and engulfment. Sam is now happily married with a child on the way.

This did not happen quickly. It took Sam time to heal his false beliefs about his own adequacy and lovability. It took time to develop a personal relationship with a spiritual Source of love and truth. It took time to be in truth with a woman rather than being “nice” to try to control how she felt about him. It took time for him to feel safe in being himself. It took a couple of years of devoted inner work.

But if you were to ask Sam if all the time it took was worth it, he would look at you with shining eyes and a huge grin and you would feel the joy within him. You would have no doubt that it was worth whatever time it took.

Friendship Test- Do Friends Love Talking To You?

You must be having a large group of friends. You also deal with many people in your job or business. You interact with people at every stage of your life. Do you find that you love talking to one person and avoid talking to another? You must have noticed that. What is the difference between these two persons? Why do you enjoy talking to one of them and avoid talking to another? What about yourself? Have you thought about that?

We enjoy talking to people who have the following qualities -

Listening - Good communicators are good listeners. We all want to be heard without interruption. If you listen to your friends with attention, you will gain big popularity. Listen to them carefully, ask them few questions in between, and let them feel that you are interested in knowing about what they are talking.

Smiling Face - Good communicators don't frown easily. They keep a smile on their face and show genuine happiness talking to you. There is nothing phony there and they genuinely feel good talking to you.

Understanding - If you speak to a friend of yours and realizes that he/she does not understand at all, what would you do? You would avoid talking in future, because you have doubts about the grasping power of the listener.

No criticism - A good listener will listen without giving his/her own inputs in between and listen to everything without expressing any criticism. Even if he/she disagrees totally, they will show that indirectly but never criticize. Do you have these qualities? If yes, your friends would love talking to you.

Are You Similar To Each Other?

How similar are you with your partner? Agreed that both of you are in love, and enjoy each other's togetherness. You like each other and want to live together till you die. You may say that you love him/her with your body and soul. What about similarities between both of you? Is your love result of these similarities? Or despite few similarities you love each other? Similarities affect relationship to some extent and are important to discuss.

Work interest - Do you have common work interest? Are you qualified in the same stream? or your work interests are different? Common work interests lead to better understanding, but this is not very important.

Hobbies - Do you have similar hobbies? Even if they are not common, do any of you have any hobby that the other partner dislikes?

Values - how similar are your beliefs and values? Do you support same political party or your views are opposite to each other? What about your opinions on major issues of life? What about goals? Are your thought processes similar or different? These can make a major difference in the quality of love and life.

Living together can become difficult if the dissimilarities are many. Conflicts take major energy and time. There is no time left to focus on love and living together if major time is spent in sorting out differences. It is easier to feel love in the beginning if the similarities are few. As times passes, dissatisfaction rises and cracks appear in the relationship. It is difficult to live with a person who holds totally opposite views. More similarities always help in making love last for a longer time.

5 Great New Ways to Show Your Love to Your Partner !!!

There are many ways to express love to your partner other than quoting the actual words "I Love You." Usually the fire in relationships dies down after a while and the feeling of your heart pounding with the excitement of being with your significant other is not felt nearly as often, or even at all.

So, how do we get back that love, passion and warm feeling that wraps around us and penetrate our thoughts in the beginning of a relationship?

Many say actions speak louder than words so below I have listed 5 secrets of seduction to help you show your partner how much you truly love them:

1. Flirt

This is a light-hearted seduction with the intent of conveying love! Why not send a sexy text message or email while you are at work? This reminds the other person that you are thinking about him or her. It also increases the intensity of love so that you actually look forward to seeing each other when you return home from work.

2. Candles

According to Feng Shui, the seduction candle is red and the ingredients are musk, patchouli, pine, cedar and juniper. This secret of seduction can put back the romance in your relationships. Why not fill your room with scented candles and turn off the lights just to relax in each others arms? The extra effort goes a very long way!

Do You Have Good Friends ?

Friends are a gift of God. If we have good friends, we should assume that God has showered us with His unlimited grace. What does a good friend mean? What are the differences between ordinary friends and good friends? What is friendship?

Let us begin our enquiry by asking about what is friendship? Can it be defined? What is the relationship of friendship? What qualities does this relationship have? When two persons share common interests, care for each other, enjoy being together and help each other, they are called as friends. Is this a correct definition? It broadly covers the areas of friendship.

For being a good friend, we should share more of these qualities. Is that right? Say, you share some interests with your friend, and there are few things that interest you, but are of no interest to your friend. Does this make your friendship ordinary? Sit back and count your good friends. Now count the interests that you share and those that you don't. Is there any mathematical formula? Can one be a good friend, even if one shares very few interests? Provided of course, that our qualities that I mentioned above are in plenty?

What about caring for each other? Many a times, we find that friends are careless in their relationship, but when it comes to crunch situations, they come forward with all their might and show tremendous care. Does this imply, that even if a friend is not much caring on a day-to-day basis, he/she can still be a good friend, if there is a strong affinity that brings them together?

Let us talk of enjoying each other's company. Does this mean that good friends avoid others? Are they always found together? What if they don't meet each other for a month? This relationship is indefinable. Isn't it? Because being a good friend of someone may mean that we care for each other deeply, but need not show it always. We are ready to help whenever the need arises. That even if we are not together all the time, we love being together. We defend each other whenever any external threat arises. The last test is the final test of good friendship. Friends may remain away for a long period and continue
with their life, but when the need arises, they are together. They share a bond that ties them together. They have shared so much with each other that the past always carries itself in the future.

Friendship means that we like each other. We have shared some great moments together. We value and respect each other. Unless there is a bond of hearts and emotions, no outward sign can make a friendship good.